The Road Not Traveled
by KaliopeShipsIt
Summary: Derek grieves the loss of his childhood dream and manages to seriously hurt Stiles' feelings in the process.


As a general rule Stiles enjoys the busy life of being a grad student, but today he can hardly sit still during the seminar. When he left home this morning Derek was sitting at the kitchen table and staring at his phone, a full cup of cold coffee sitting in front of him – Stiles would know, because he steals some of Derek's morning coffee on a regular basis. Instead of playfully growling at him, like he normally does, Derek hardly moved when Stiles spat out the cold liquid, no chiding "I told you so", and definitely no growling.

He had seemed deep in thought and on a normal day Stiles would have investigated further, but today he was already running half an hour behind schedule and barely had the time to grab a piece of toast on his way out.

Derek is by no means a stranger to brooding, but something about his entire demeanor seemed off to Stiles and he has barely been able to concentrate the entire day. He has thought about texting Derek to make sure he's ok, but Derek is famous for composing texts that could be misunderstood dramatically and Stiles would rather talk to him in person anyways.

When the bell finally rings, Stiles is out of his seat and at the University's parking lot within five minutes and he makes it back home in under half an hour. Normally he would high-five himself for two personal bests in one day, but his overactive imagination is coming up with more and more horror scenarios as to what might be wrong with Derek. He really needs to find out what's going on with his boyfriend, because many of these scenarios are featuring another terrifying threat to Beacon Hills and well, no one can blame him for being a bit on edge when faced with another potential life-and-death catastrophe.

When he opens the door to the loft the apartment is dark and for a moment Stiles wonders if Derek went out to get something. Then he makes out a Derek-shaped lump on the couch and the bad feeling he has had all day intensifies.

Stiles slowly approaches the couch and gingerly sits down on the coffee-table, so that he is facing Derek, who is curled up under a blanket and still holding his phone.

"Derek?" Stiles asks hesitantly and Derek finally looks at him for the first time today. His eyes are red-rimmed and Stiles' heart clenches in his chest. Derek never cries and if he finds out who made his lover cry he and his baseball bat are going to find them and …

Stiles shakes his head to clear away his unproductive violent thoughts. He doesn't have much experience with a crying Derek; has only ever seen it once and that was after his claws had killed Boyd.

Stiles really didn't feel particularly helpful then, either, even though Derek once told him he was. He made this confession during a late-night talk when the moon was almost full and Derek was restlessly tossing and turning in bed before Stiles decided to be the big spoon for once and wrapped himself around his fidgeting lover to calm him. With his back facing towards Stiles and Stiles' chin tucked onto Derek's shoulder, Derek told him that the firm grip on his shoulder was the only thing that kept him from falling apart in that horrible moment. Stiles had responded by drawing Derek into an even tighter embrace, pouring all of his emotions into him through gentle caresses of the older man's muscular arms.

Stiles knows that Derek is much more likely to open up when everything around him is dark and silent and so Stiles fights against his urge to shake Derek into telling him why he's been crying and forces himself to wait for his boyfriend to start talking.

By now he's certain that this has nothing to do with a monster coming to Beacon Hills and that terrifies him, because they know how to handle external threats. Internal threats that compromise Derek's emotional well-being – not so much. Stiles tries to control his heartbeat because he knows Derek will pick up on how nervous he is, but the longer Derek stays silent, the harder it gets.

He is almost ready to actually shake Derek, when his lover finally starts talking. He sounds incredibly sad and lost when he raises his phone towards Stiles.

"I got an email from my friend Caroline today. She is having a baby."

Stiles can't help but stare at Derek. He is a little confused and not only because this is the first time he has ever heard of Caroline. Derek would never admit it, but he is a big softie when it comes to children. He barely let Stiles hold his own goddaughter when Scott and Kira brought her over for a first visit and Stiles might or might not have had a picture of a completely besotted Derek looking at little Ellie in her adorable tiny Beacon Hills High Lacrosse jersey as his desktop background for months … as well as his phone background. He might have also sent the picture to the entire pack, complete with the caption "Little Red Riding Hood wrapping the Big Bad Wolf around her tiny finger". Derek huffed when he saw it, but Stiles _knows _how much Derek loves kids, so he really doesn't understand why he's so upset about some random friend having a baby. If anything, Derek should be happy there is another baby to spoil, not crying over it.

Derek seems to sense his confusion and he elaborates, his hand clutching the phone in a death grip.

"Caroline and I were friends in kindergarten. Her family moved away to another territory when we were in elementary school, but we always kept in touch. She and her family were the only werewolves I knew outside my own family and it was really hard for me when she left, because the one person at school that I did not have to hide from was suddenly gone."

He sighs. "She moved to the East Coast and we barely saw each other. Occasionally her parents would allow her to fly back to Beacon Hills for a few weeks during the summer and I even got to visit her once or twice during Junior High, but we always kept in touch through letters. When my family burnt to death, Laura and I went and spent some time with Caroline's family. Her father had become an Alpha and he took Laura under his wing. Caroline helped me so much during that time, if it hadn't been for her and Laura I don't even know how I would have handled all the guilt and grief."

Stiles frowns in confusion but before he can voice his question, Derek beats him to the answer. "You are probably wondering why you have never heard about her, if she is so important to me, but because we spent most of our lives apart from each other, we have gotten used to not talking to each other a lot. It sounds weird, but part of the way our friendship works is that we know that even though we don't see each other very often, there is still someone there who will be supportive when something bad happens. When I moved back to Beacon Hills she had just started dating a werewolf from a different pack and of course I was busy with all the stuff going on here. Then you became a part of my life and because of the way our friendship works we just never really took the time to see each other. We always made sure to keep tabs on each other, but she was really busy with building her new relationship, becoming the Alpha of her pack, and all the changes that brings."

He looks away from Stiles and Stiles cringes because he knows they are getting to the bottom of the problem.

"When Caroline and I were really young, she talked a lot about wanting to see the world and exploring, being her own, free agent and doing whatever she wanted to do for as long as possible. I always thought that it would be a fitting lifestyle for her. Whenever she asked me what I wanted to do as an adult, I would tell her that I wanted my life to be just like my parents'. I thought I would go through High School, experience my first awkward kiss, have my heart broken for the first time, go to University, meet a wonderful woman, eventually settle down and start having a family. That's what my parents did, you know. They met during their Junior year at College and got married three years later. They had Laura when they were 29. My parents were so happy, Stiles, I wanted to have that happiness, too."

Derek pushes a button on his phone and the screen illuminates his face, revealing just how shattered he looks. "I have been sitting here, trying to write Caroline back, for almost the entire day. I want to tell her how happy I am for her, but I just can't. And I feel horrible about it, because this woman is the closest I've ever had to a best friend, and I should be absolutely excited that something so good is happening to such a good person. But instead, all I have been able to think about today is that life is fucking unfair, because Caroline is leading the life that I always thought I was going to lead and not only that, I feel like I'm also losing her, which is a really scary thought because she has been my emotional background safety net for as long as I can remember. You know how human women get pregnant and suddenly their friend circle only seems to consist of people they met during Lamaze class or Mommy-and-Me group, while their childless and single friends no longer really fit into their lifestyle? It's even more intense with werewolves, because the instinctual bond between a born werewolf and its mother is even stronger and more demanding than with a human baby. We also have the pack to consider, and the addition of a baby changes the entire dynamic. If you are not part of the pack, you become least priority, because so much time and energy needs to be focused on strengthening the pack under the new conditions."

Derek drops his phone with another deep sigh. "The entire day I have been trying to come up with a response that doesn't scream of jealousy over this poor, unborn child, and bitterness, because she is living the life I thought I was going to live. I haven't thought about this in years, there were so many things going on, but hearing that she is pregnant – I don't know, but suddenly it just hit me that my entire life-plan got completely screwed over because I made one fucking mistake when I was young that changed _everything_, and now I am already over 30 and it's too late for me to live the life I thought I was going to live. I'm over 30 and what do I have to show for it? Two dead betas, one that defected, a really lousy short-lived career as an Alpha, a sister that left me for a surrogate family on another hemisphere and a psychotic uncle who I can barely look in the eye these days because he still shows no remorse over killing Laura."

Derek swallows and her curls up further into himself. When he looks at Stiles there are fresh tears in his eyes. "I fail at _everything, _Stiles. Why do I always fail at everything?"

Stiles knows that this is the part where he should probably hug Derek and comfort him, tell him that everything will be ok and that it is normal to freak out when the first of your close friends is having a baby – Stiles certainly had a hard time coping when Scott and Kira announced that little Miss Ellie was on her way.

He knows he should reach out to Derek, but he can't, he really can't. There are many emotions battling within him, ranging from anger to hurt, but right now he only feels cold inside. Derek is a Fail Wolf at expressing his emotions, that's hardly news-worthy, and he probably doesn't even realize how much his words have hurt Stiles, but Stiles pays very close attention to what people say and each word Derek has uttered in the last five minutes felt like knives tearing into his skin.

In his attempt to voice his selfish inner pity-party – and that's really what it is, Derek's assessment that he _should _be excited for his close friend is spot-on – he has essentially just told Stiles that some woman on the other side of the country, whom Derek hasn't even mentioned before today, provides him with more emotional stability than Stiles does, that he considers everything in his life a failure, despite having Stiles in it, that he doesn't consider Stiles family, and – and that's the part that really hits below the belt – that Derek's ideal life is based on a fantasy that Stiles is never going to be able to fulfill.

He can't get pregnant, he is really not a big fan of surrogacy, and the likelihood of a gay couple being able to adopt a child is slim to none, no matter what the TV shows are saying. Not to mention that they have never even talked about having children up until today and all of a sudden Derek is telling him that the fact that they don't have kids means that his entire life means nothing. That Stiles means nothing in the grand scheme of Derek Hale's perfect dream-life.

Stiles is staring at Derek, staring at the silent tears that slowly make their way down Derek's cheek and suddenly he has to get out of there. He can tell that Derek is actually grieving for the loss of his perfect future and he loves him too much to scream at him about how much he has just hurt him. However, Stiles also knows that if he stays any longer the hurt is going to bubble to the surface eventually and when it does, it will be followed by anger, and that's something neither of them needs at the moment.

Derek isn't even looking at him, he is looking at his stupid phone again and so Stiles gets up and moves toward the loft's door. He is walking slowly, giving Derek a chance to call him back and tell him that he's a Stupid Wolf, who was too busy being sorry for himself to realize that he really doesn't have anything to feel upset about, because he has Stiles and they are happy together and they don't need to follow some heteronormative life-plan that 9 year old Derek thought was going to be deemed socially acceptable by society.

Derek never calls him back and Stiles' hands are shaking when he jams the keys of his jeep into the ignition to drive as far away from Derek as possible.

He ends up going to his Dad's, who thankfully doesn't ask too many questions when Stiles shows up at his door looking like someone just killed his puppy.

The Sheriff asks him if he wants to talk and when Stiles says that he really doesn't, he pulls him into a strong hug. Stiles is holding on to his father for dear life, grateful that he at least matters to somebody because Derek made him feel like he is completely insignificant and the longer he thinks about it, the angrier he gets.

Stiles knows he can be a bit annoying at times, so can Derek, really. But he has been there for Derek whenever Derek has needed him, they have had each other's backs ever since they became a couple and even long before that. Stiles has spent four years trying to show Derek that he deserves to have good things happen to him and for the past two years at least he really thought they were in a good place. Derek isn't always easy to be with, but Stiles loves him and believes that being with Derek is worth the times when things aren't going so well. At least Derek loves him back – or so he thought.

Obviously, Stiles needs to reevaluate the state of their relationship, because he apparently depends much more on Derek than Derek does on him. If the news that some Caroline is having a kid make Derek feel that he is all alone in the world, then clearly Stiles is doing something wrong. No, scratch that, Stiles thinks with an angry jerk of his head, he hasn't done anything wrong. He has stuck with Derek through all of his issues, given him much more than he has gotten back in return and he really doesn't deserve to be told to his face that he doesn't matter in the long run.

Derek has angered him many times in the past, but he has never hurt him so deeply, never left him feeling so hollow and empty and Stiles knows they won't be able to just bounce back from this. The thought makes his heart constrict, but he knows that he has to protect himself this time. Derek may very well be the love of his life, but he can't be with him if he, Stiles, doesn't matter.

Stiles walks up to his bed and sinks down on the covers, too exhausted to do more than kick off his shoes. He doesn't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or even _if _something will happen tomorrow, but right now he is too drained to think about it. He curls himself into a fetal position and closes his eyes.

When he opens them again it is still dark outside and he knows he hasn't gotten much sleep. The clock next to his bed says 3 AM and he groans, rubbing his eyes as he does so. When his hands fall back onto the cover, his eyes have adjusted to the dark, enough that he can see Derek sitting in his desk chair. Derek is hunched over, his elbows resting on his knees and his chin resting on his folded hands and he is just staring at Stiles.

He really should be used to Derek's creeper ways after so many years, but Derek hasn't done it in so long that Stiles can't help but jerk violently. "Damn it Derek!" he hisses, his tone sounding much harsher than even in the early days, when Derek was still throwing him into walls without a sexual agenda.

Derek visibly recoils from the anger in Stiles' voice and a tiny part of Stiles is pleased at the shock on Derek's face that mirrors his own feelings from earlier. Thankfully for both of them the part that loves Derek unconditionally is much bigger and it urges Stiles to sit up fully, lean against the headboard of his bed, cross his arms, and look at Derek with a serious expression on his face.

"So …" he says, for once in his life unwilling to be the one who does all the talking.

Derek's head falls forward and he cards his fingers through his hair, obviously struggling to find the right words, but Stiles can be very patient when he has to be and so he just keeps looking at Derek silently.

When Derek finally looks back up his lips are trembling and his voice sounds small, more vulnerable than Stiles has ever heard him.

"I'm sorry." Derek whispers and Stiles feels some of the tension leave his body when he hears the emotion in Derek's voice, hears how wrecked and afraid his boyfriend sounds.

"What are you sorry for?" Stiles asks, moving a little so that he is now facing Derek directly. He is sitting cross-legged on his bed, his arms no longer crossed in front of his chest but resting on his thighs.

Derek takes a deep breath, his eyes locked firmly with Stiles', and suddenly the words just rush out of him.

"I'm sorry for telling you that I can only be happy in a lifestyle that leaves no room for you. I am sorry for telling you that everything in my life, including our relationship, is a failure. I am sorry for telling you that you are not my safety net. God, Stiles, I am so sorry for hurting you like that."

His voice breaks at the end and Stiles can see tears pooling up in Derek's eyes for the second time that night. He still doesn't know how to handle a crying Derek, so he holds up a hand to stop him.

"Derek … you didn't exactly say those things."

"I might as well have." Derek chokes out and well, he does have a point there.

"I might as well have, and then you left!"

Stiles sighs and without really thinking about it he reaches out to cover Derek's fidgeting hands with his.

"I'm not leaving Derek. But I need to know how much of what you said was true, because you really hurt me and I need to know the truth so we can figure out a way that I can stay."

Derek grips his hand tightly when he answers, his voice still sounding a little off but more like the no-nonsense Derek Stiles is used to.

"Our relationship is the best thing that has happened to me ever since I lost my family. I love you and no one else can make me feel like you do. You are my anchor and I need you."

He kisses Stiles' knuckles and continues, his voice growing stronger as he speaks.

"It was selfish and cruel of me to say these things to you. After Laura died and Cora left, Caroline was the only good thing I had left that was connected to how things were before the fire. When I got that email this morning I just … I don't know, I just panicked, because it felt like the end of something. And considering the symbolic meaning she has always held for me, the idea of it ending hit me harder than I would have expected."

He squeezes Stiles' hands one more, his thumbs tracing the younger man's wrists.

"These dreams I talked about were dreams of a different Derek, and I guess I never really went through the grieving process for the person I was before the fire, which is why I think I was so overwhelmed by the grief I felt over the loss of my childhood dream today. All day long I was in the mindset of this other Derek and when you came home and asked me what was wrong … I just had to tell somebody and I didn't think about what I was doing to you."

Derek places another kiss to Stiles' knuckles and gives his boyfriend a tiny smile.

"The thing is, though, I'm no longer that Derek. The things that have happened to me in the past fifteen years, both good and bad, have irrevocably altered my life and shaped who I am. My idea of a happy life today is so much different than it was before you became a part of it. You don't fit into my big former life plans because I had no way to know that you were going to _be _my life and that you would change everything. Stiles, I just love you so much and I know that I can be a complete failure at human emotions sometimes … but please believe me when I say that you make my life worth living. Please … please don't leave me."

Derek trails off when he finally notices that Stiles hasn't moved in almost five minutes. He looks unsure again and his hands grip Stiles' even tighter. "Stiles? Say something please."

Stiles closes the remaining distance between him and Derek and wraps his arms tight around Derek's shoulders, his forehead touching Derek's forehead, and he inhales deeply before whispering "Do you realize that this is the first time you have ever said that you love me?"

Derek tilts his head and looks at him incredulously. "What? Of course I have said it before."

Stiles shakes his head, his smile slowly widening. "Nope, this is the first time you have actually said the words."

Derek looks at him in wonderment, seemingly unsure how he should react to this sudden change of atmosphere in the room.

"Uhm ... wasn't it obvious that I do?"

Stiles laughs, the last of his tension flying away and his eyes are sparkling.

After all, it really was.

Derek stays with Stiles that night, the two of them holding onto each other tightly as they sleep and in the morning Stiles forces him to respond to Caroline's email. They still have some talking to do, especially concerning the question of how deeply Derek really wants to have children, but neither of them is going anywhere, so they have all the time in the world.

However, Caroline, who began her initial email with asking how Derek is doing and if he is happy, deserves an answer and when Derek shows him the email after he's sent it, Stiles interlaces their fingers, his thumb gently stroking Derek's wrist.

"My dearest Caroline,

I'm really excited for you! I cannot wait to see you again, to catch up properly and – most importantly! – meet your precious little baby. When I do, there is someone I want you to meet, too. His name is Stiles and it's because of him that I can answer your question easily: yes, I'm very happy.

All my love,

Derek."


End file.
